Hi, I am Ram Sharma, an engineering graduate. I have often been confronted with questions regarding my future, what i want to be, my ambitions, my goals.. frankly speaking, these questions intimidate me, put me in a dilemma. I may be a free man in a free society but I am not a free thinker or not even supposed to be one. Freedom is my birthright, or so, as it is said. But i am bound to think within certain norms and rules which are pre-set, which by default is applied to every human being living in my soceity. Sometimes I shudder to think that maybe, I am not even bound to think this way, maybe it has always been there in my mind. After all i am a part of this soceity, i have my roots deep in it. I have spent a large part of my life enslaved to one thing or the other, to expectations that i never understood, to beliefs that were not mine, to ways that were never meant to be mine.
So, what defines me as a free man?
Since my childhood i have fought to make freedom my most precious asset. I fought with the ideals imposed upon me by people. I fought with other boys at school, who detested my existence in their society and made me the butt of their cruel jokes. Only after much blood had flowed from my nose and theirs, after afternoons hiding my scars from my mother, did I manage to show them my resilience without bursting into tears.I took up tutions for primary school students, to support my zest for playing the guitar and to be free from that old line in family blackmail, "You have to learn this and this, music is irrational and not productive". I fought without success, for the girl i was in love with; who left me because she felt i was an eccentric with ideas that differed from her way of thinking..and that I had no future.
I fought the hostility of my professors, as i wanted to do an innovative project, rather than sticking to the norm of selecting a project done by a previous year student. I fought to find courage to stand up against the system which was meant to slaughter the students.
I fought for my right to leave the 9 to 5 job that i had got as a memento for four years in engineering. I fought because that was not what i wanted from my life. And while i was fighting, i heard people giving speeches about freedom, defining its meaning. People who were themselves slaves of a life that they had not chosen, but somebody had else had convinced them that it was best for them and chosen it for them. People who depended on others to take decisions for them, their marriage, their job, their car, their house. They did not have the courage to do what they felt, what they wanted to do because they feared it would bring a drastic change in their lives, which would upset what they had grown upto.
I am free now and i always was. Of course, freedom for me has meant hurting people who are precious to me. But freedom is the thing i prize most in the world.When i see people,i see fear in them..they dont live,they just exist..they dont ask a question because it is not supposed to ask.In short their actions are a result of some one else's aspirations and expectations;their originality has been tampered with.When they die, they die regretting that they could be someone else. Despite the pain that that i have borne inorder to win my freedom, i dont regret the scars, i bear them as medals on my life. And today my petition for loan is sanctioned for my own organisation, which realises potential and new ideas and completes the projects; something very close to me. If we can dream of something, we can create something, if we can create a free world, people will live in it…and that is the essence of my life.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
A SOUL'S WORTH
The green point in the ecg monitor rocked up and down, distorted yet valiant. Ram gazed at it intently, amazed at how it depicted ones survival. A soft tune distracted his thoughts and he glanced around clumsily where it came from...”damn it”, he cursed the culprit which was his watch under his son’s pillow. It was already 1 p.m. and he had not even realised it. Jeevan Jyoti hospital was his home now, he had left his business to his friend, had’nt been to his house even for a moment since the whole last week. ”anything for you son, anything”, he whispered. It broke his heart to see his son in this condition, ”why so much of pain to such an innocent being”, he thought, casting frequent glances on the ecg monitor. A tear welled down his cheek on his hand, he looked at it “only this much for so much of pain?...”, he wanted to blame someone for all this...who??..his fate? His deeds?..he had always been an honest man throughout his life, never had he betrayed or cheated anyone, always helped the needy and the sufferers...vengeance was excruciating him from inside..his eyes fell on the wall, a vibrant sticker with two eyes announcing , “God is great” stared back at him. Ram thought for a moment.. he had been an agnostic, never had he gone to a temple..religion didn’t bother him but all these customs, rituals, sacrifices for something illogical were repulsive to him. “if God exists, and he is to be blamed for all this??”, he thought.
His childhood flashed before his eyes..his father had left him and his mother to go to the Himalayas in pursuit of God. ”Dont go father”, he had pleaded crying..”this is my destiny son”, he had said...his mother sat in a corner of the house praying to keep her husband safe..”he has to go beta, that is what God wants” she pacified him. Since that day religion and his father had left Ram disgusted. “if God never existed”, he had told his mother, “father would have never left us and even if he does exist, he made me an orphan”. Ram had come to the city, worked hard and had made a place for him in the din and hustle. “i am a self made man he thought, i don’t owe anything to God, neither have i ever asked for anything from him”...”what an irony “,he smiled seeing his name on an envelope, ”Mr. Ramkrishna Sharma”, he read out his name aloud, careful enough not to awaken his son..he put on his specs and looked closely at the envelope. ”Hell”, he said to himself, ”why do people always forget an a in my name”..he corrected it, and read it again Mr. Ramakrishna Sharma..”when you were born the chief priest of the village had named you after the great devotee, and predicted that you will follow the same path” his mother had told him. The irony was maybe his father had swapped destinies with him.
“Mr. Sharma”, a soothing voice woke him up. Ram looked at his watch it was 6 and he had dozed off in his chair last night. “i see you had a good sleep”, Dr. Ramani smiled at him. By the time he returned from the bathroom, the doctor had done the routine check up. “any improvements doc??”...” i am afraid, no”..Ram frowned and sat down beside his son. “Mr. Sharma, we will need a donor soon, your son’s condition is deteriorating..your son needs ab -ve sample blood, it is nowhere available in the blood bank. Perhaps you could contact your friends or relatives”. “ yes doctor i will”, fumbled at the loss of words. “don’t loose heart Mr.Sharma, we still have 48 hours. Why don’t you visit the Lord Vishnu temple behind the hospital, many people go to pray for the patients there”. “i have never been to a temple”, murmured Ram. ”well maybe the Almighty wants you to be there now, i ll be back in the evening..take care”..Ram’s conscience battled against the doctor’s opinion, will my belief anyway affect my son” he thought..”i have never worshipped, never been to a temple, never believed in God...even if he exists, why will he help me”..random thoughts plagued his mind, “they say God is omnipresent, why don’t i sit and pray here itself??..the conflict continued..” the doctor knows nothing, freedom of speech should be banned in india”. .”if i go to the temple, i ll have to spend atleast rs 200 for no reason..the doctor maybe getting a percentage of money from there also”...after a great ordeal he got up, thinking that he has nothing to loose and still trying to figure out a valid reason not to go.”Anything for you son”, he kissed his son’s forehead and left.
It was a cloudy day outside, but the sun still shone bright. Ram walked past the clutter and chaos without hearing a single thing. His heartbeat had reached a 100 and his ears were muted, his feet were burdened with his ego. Is this how i prove my soul’s worth? Was I destined for this moment or i carved it for myself? With every step forward his pulse deafened his ears, he was the murderer of his own conscience. The voices inside were piercing his soul. His childhood, his good and bad moments flashed through his mind. He passed through a butcher’s shop...it had a large photo of lord shiva, he looked at it amazed...”how can God bear this sight? An innocent animal being butchered”. Just then the butcher came inside after attending to a customer, he washed his hands and put an agarbatti infront of the photo..blood gushed through Ram’s brains, he felt drained out..”God is love, he is there in every generous act..it struck him..we are his children and he is our father. He is there guiding us in every step, every moment of our lives”. He felt orphaned..at some distance he saw the temple, he felt as if it had opened its arms for him..he longed for some love,he longed for some soothing warmth, tears filled his eyes as he ran..he could see nothing but the temple.
Ram fell on the temple floor, curled up crying like a child. people gathered around him,he had gone numb, he kept on crying.. he felt somebody soothing him, running fingers through his hair..”Father i am here”, Ram murmured..through his teary eyes, he saw somebody smile at him, it soothed his soul..he had found peace..the place became bright, was he in heaven?? Did he see God??. He slept off on the floor like a child far away from the pain brought upon him.
Everything seemed blurry to him, Ram rubbed his eyes and found himself on a hospital bed. Frantically, he got up and looked around, got off his bed. Jeevan Jyoti hospital read a calender on the wall, he realised it and ran for his son’s ward. Dr. Ramani was standing there, smiling at him, “we got a donor”, he said..Ram felt speechless, he went and hugged the doctor. “Dont thank me Mr. Sharma, you never knew your father had the same blood group as your son. Ignorant, i must say”. This was too much for Ram, he was not well equipped to handle so much emotions at a time, his mind started reeling. Just then his father came out of the bathroom, he had a long flowing beard, looked heavenly. “Father”, he fumbled..”I am sorry son, I should have never left you..i realised it very late, when i came back to the village you people had already left. I came to the city in search of you, but in vain.A new mandir was being constructed here and they appointed me as the chief priest..finally God listened to my prayers and i found you today in the temple, i was surprised that you recognised and forgave me”,he sighed. ”God is everywhere, he is within us..all he needs is a bit love and affection, after all he is our father... He was in our home when i left for the himalays neglecting what he wanted me to do..and see how well he took care of you.. i am proud of you my son, very proud”. Ram hugged his father, fighting away his tears, the sticker in the wall looked at him, he could now see the smile in the eyes. “God is great”, Ram murmured.
His childhood flashed before his eyes..his father had left him and his mother to go to the Himalayas in pursuit of God. ”Dont go father”, he had pleaded crying..”this is my destiny son”, he had said...his mother sat in a corner of the house praying to keep her husband safe..”he has to go beta, that is what God wants” she pacified him. Since that day religion and his father had left Ram disgusted. “if God never existed”, he had told his mother, “father would have never left us and even if he does exist, he made me an orphan”. Ram had come to the city, worked hard and had made a place for him in the din and hustle. “i am a self made man he thought, i don’t owe anything to God, neither have i ever asked for anything from him”...”what an irony “,he smiled seeing his name on an envelope, ”Mr. Ramkrishna Sharma”, he read out his name aloud, careful enough not to awaken his son..he put on his specs and looked closely at the envelope. ”Hell”, he said to himself, ”why do people always forget an a in my name”..he corrected it, and read it again Mr. Ramakrishna Sharma..”when you were born the chief priest of the village had named you after the great devotee, and predicted that you will follow the same path” his mother had told him. The irony was maybe his father had swapped destinies with him.
“Mr. Sharma”, a soothing voice woke him up. Ram looked at his watch it was 6 and he had dozed off in his chair last night. “i see you had a good sleep”, Dr. Ramani smiled at him. By the time he returned from the bathroom, the doctor had done the routine check up. “any improvements doc??”...” i am afraid, no”..Ram frowned and sat down beside his son. “Mr. Sharma, we will need a donor soon, your son’s condition is deteriorating..your son needs ab -ve sample blood, it is nowhere available in the blood bank. Perhaps you could contact your friends or relatives”. “ yes doctor i will”, fumbled at the loss of words. “don’t loose heart Mr.Sharma, we still have 48 hours. Why don’t you visit the Lord Vishnu temple behind the hospital, many people go to pray for the patients there”. “i have never been to a temple”, murmured Ram. ”well maybe the Almighty wants you to be there now, i ll be back in the evening..take care”..Ram’s conscience battled against the doctor’s opinion, will my belief anyway affect my son” he thought..”i have never worshipped, never been to a temple, never believed in God...even if he exists, why will he help me”..random thoughts plagued his mind, “they say God is omnipresent, why don’t i sit and pray here itself??..the conflict continued..” the doctor knows nothing, freedom of speech should be banned in india”. .”if i go to the temple, i ll have to spend atleast rs 200 for no reason..the doctor maybe getting a percentage of money from there also”...after a great ordeal he got up, thinking that he has nothing to loose and still trying to figure out a valid reason not to go.”Anything for you son”, he kissed his son’s forehead and left.
It was a cloudy day outside, but the sun still shone bright. Ram walked past the clutter and chaos without hearing a single thing. His heartbeat had reached a 100 and his ears were muted, his feet were burdened with his ego. Is this how i prove my soul’s worth? Was I destined for this moment or i carved it for myself? With every step forward his pulse deafened his ears, he was the murderer of his own conscience. The voices inside were piercing his soul. His childhood, his good and bad moments flashed through his mind. He passed through a butcher’s shop...it had a large photo of lord shiva, he looked at it amazed...”how can God bear this sight? An innocent animal being butchered”. Just then the butcher came inside after attending to a customer, he washed his hands and put an agarbatti infront of the photo..blood gushed through Ram’s brains, he felt drained out..”God is love, he is there in every generous act..it struck him..we are his children and he is our father. He is there guiding us in every step, every moment of our lives”. He felt orphaned..at some distance he saw the temple, he felt as if it had opened its arms for him..he longed for some love,he longed for some soothing warmth, tears filled his eyes as he ran..he could see nothing but the temple.
Ram fell on the temple floor, curled up crying like a child. people gathered around him,he had gone numb, he kept on crying.. he felt somebody soothing him, running fingers through his hair..”Father i am here”, Ram murmured..through his teary eyes, he saw somebody smile at him, it soothed his soul..he had found peace..the place became bright, was he in heaven?? Did he see God??. He slept off on the floor like a child far away from the pain brought upon him.
Everything seemed blurry to him, Ram rubbed his eyes and found himself on a hospital bed. Frantically, he got up and looked around, got off his bed. Jeevan Jyoti hospital read a calender on the wall, he realised it and ran for his son’s ward. Dr. Ramani was standing there, smiling at him, “we got a donor”, he said..Ram felt speechless, he went and hugged the doctor. “Dont thank me Mr. Sharma, you never knew your father had the same blood group as your son. Ignorant, i must say”. This was too much for Ram, he was not well equipped to handle so much emotions at a time, his mind started reeling. Just then his father came out of the bathroom, he had a long flowing beard, looked heavenly. “Father”, he fumbled..”I am sorry son, I should have never left you..i realised it very late, when i came back to the village you people had already left. I came to the city in search of you, but in vain.A new mandir was being constructed here and they appointed me as the chief priest..finally God listened to my prayers and i found you today in the temple, i was surprised that you recognised and forgave me”,he sighed. ”God is everywhere, he is within us..all he needs is a bit love and affection, after all he is our father... He was in our home when i left for the himalays neglecting what he wanted me to do..and see how well he took care of you.. i am proud of you my son, very proud”. Ram hugged his father, fighting away his tears, the sticker in the wall looked at him, he could now see the smile in the eyes. “God is great”, Ram murmured.
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